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Proud to be an American by Anna Monopeea

02-21-09

Our lead weekend correspondent, Anna Monopeea delights us with top headlines from this week.  

 

Upon reading a few odd stories today, I’ve gathered a few life lessons I would like to share with you all on this glorious Saturday: 

armor.

Headline: Woman OK after bullet ends up in her hair weave  

Lesson: ATTENTION POLICE DEPARTMENT: Ditch the bulletproof vests—get a weave. 

 

 

 

 Headline: Chinese Mistress Contest Ends in Death   Background: A married Chinese businessman decides he has to cut costs – so, naturally, he stages a talent contest aimed at whittling his five mistresses down to one. (I assume his wife, Paula Abdul and noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker were the 3  panel judges.) According to Chinese media reports, one of the mistresses became so enraged at losing the competition that she drove herself, her lover and the four other women off a cliff (I bet they were on their way to Red Lobster for a consolation dinner, or at least that’d be my choice) I guess infidelity’s not all fun and games anymore.   Lesson: I didn’t know they’d already begun making “The Bachelor” in China…

 

 

Headline: Woman Married 23 Times, Still Lonely 

Lesson: Her dream man can be described as follows:   

 

 

 

 

  • Has hair (or doesn’t)
  • Wears shirts (sometimes)
  • Teeth optional
  • Uses oxygen to breathe
  • Tall/shortish
  • Loves heavy lower eyeliner and has a good personality.

Hi dad. Thanks for not loving me the last 36 years.  Let’s go fishing.

Hi dad. Thanks for not loving me the last 36 years. Let’s go fishing.

Headline: Man Discovers Co-Worker Is Really Dad

 Lesson: “Accidentally” leaving childhood pics of you nude and in cowboy boots in the company copier is a sure way to find that father you’ve always dreamed of—and perhaps a few new friends you’d rather not have.
 

 

 

So what have we all learned today, ladies and germs?  (I like that line because it makes me feel like a bad stand-up comedian; my next line will be: “So I flew in from Philly last night, and boy my arms are TIRED! Classic comedy never dies—just ask Joey Gladstone).  For those of you not as quick as the bullet dodging weave woman, I’ll make this easy: 

 

 1)      DO wear a weave and DON’T piss off your handgun wielding exboyfriend when you guys are talking in a convenience store parking lot late at night.  Just be the bigger person and let him have the last Slim Jim.

2)      Don’t get in a car with the least talented mistress of your cheap Chinese boyfriend (the whole spinning plates thing is SO old)

3)      DO marry anyone who’ll have you—keep those standards flyin’ high.

4)      DO ask every older colleague if you are their illegitimate child. DON’T ask to sit on their lap during meetings.

5)       I am still speechless. And impressed. At the same time.  Go ahead and judge me, world! 

Yours Truly,

 

Anna Monoppea

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One Comment leave one →
  1. 03-10-09 7:26 am

    Spinning plates? Are you talking about license plates that rotate, on some James Bond sh!t?

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