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Just because you lost your job doesn’t mean you can lose your morals

12-22-08

This is the story of Willie Malone: My Furry Godmother.

Insert Willie Malone

Insert Willie Malone

Today, on Diversey and Halsted, while trying to be army strong amidst the negative temps and blistery windchill, we stumbled upon a wallet on the street. Now I’m going to stop you right there. Yes, I’m dining on mostly spaghetti-os and my roommates food, and yes, I frequented CoinStar recently, but NO I am not a theif. 

We looked around, picked it up, looked inside and saw the face of Willie Malone. Not William; Willie.We were going up the block to Noodles so we thought we’d try contacting Mr. Malone from indoors.  We got inside, ordered, sat down and called Chase Bank. The chic took my number and said she’d contact Ol’ Willie. Not 30 seconds later my phone rings from a rando 312 number.I answer, expecting it to be a very-happy-to-have-his-wallet-back Willie. This is the convo :

Me: Hello? Stranger:(sounding like a young woman): Heyyy howahh yuuuu? Me(thinking its some sort of mistake/soliciter): umm…good? Stranger: Its me, Willayy. Yu have ma wallet…Willayy Malone?I work down the street at the Furry Godmother, can I come meet you?

This was already awesome. He sounded amazing and worked at a fur coat outlet with a punny name. Fast forward 4 more minutes and in walks a small black man in a giant, glamorous fur coat (see above). He walked in and said “Thank God!”, and offered to buy our lunch. When I asked how he didnt feel his wallet falling out he said “Look at me, girl..would you feel a wallet in alla this fur?”. I didnt answer him. He got up to leave and said “You girls come in whenevah yu want, I’ll get ya some fur ear muffs.” And in the blink of an eye, he was gone. I’m not entirely sure he wasn’t an angel.

So, the lesson is threefold: 1.Just because you’re poor doesnt mean you can be a pickpocket 2.If your name is William please start going by Willie; and 3. There’s no better reward for good deeds than fur earmuffs. Oh and 4. Furry Godmother is the best name for a fur outlet ever.

Next time you see me ask me to do my “Willie Malone” accent.

T-E-M-P

pure glamour.

pure glamour.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Blerina permalink
    01-17-09 4:59 am

    LMAO i think i peed my pants a little when i read your willie malone story hilarious

  2. Mlongo permalink
    01-20-09 10:20 pm

    Rushbomb!!! ahhahahhahaha. you have such a gift for recreating convos — What a magnificent story. My tummy hurts from all the silent laughs while reading this at work! er uh. Whoops, don’t mean to rub it in .

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