Lots can happen in a day, eh?
Here’s what’s been going on in my glamorous life.
Tuesday I overheard a D bag telling his friends a story about a girl. I just caught the tale end which sounded like this: “A single tear. Down her cheek. A single tear! hahahahhaha”
Then they all chest bumped, slapped each other on the arse with gym towels and used rifles to shoot a deer. Which was weird because we were at a sushi restaurant.
I also got passed on the sidewalk by a pedestrian. AKA I was walking at a leisurely pace and this guy in a backpack got off the sidewalk, passed the parked cars, got into the bike lane to speed up and get back on the sidewalk ahead of me. The twisted part was, as soon as i realized what he was doing, I picked up my pace. Which almost completely defeated his point. Haven’t you ever done that? I do it in cars too. As soon as I think someone wants to pass me I’m all, “Oh YEAH? I’ll show YOU slow.”
Anger management.
Yesterday, while walking home from some errands, my ipod shuffled to a Taylor Swift song called “Place in This World” (not to be confused with the early 90s ballad by Michael W Smith of the same name). When she sung “I’m just a girl, tryin’ to find my place in this world,” I said out loud, “Me too, Taylor, me too.” Lucky for me, and the unassuming public, no one was in close enough range to hear my one way convo with Tay.
Also on Tuesday, Fulms and I went to REI to try on travel packs for Kenya. We couldn’t have looked less granola/kayak/Patagonia. We were both in sundresses and looked completely out of our element. Ways we made our sales rep uncomfortable: 1. As he is measuring my torso to see what size I need, Fulmer goes “Get it gurl”. 2. After he fits a large, weighed down pack to my back I comment, “It fits well. Sort of like you’re spooning. I might never take this thing off.” I imagine he hasn’t ever heard a lonelier backpacking analogy in his entire career.
Lastly, my highlight from this week was when we had Bridge and Emma over for a final dinner at our apartment and after her toast, Fulms raised her glass and said “Here Ye, here ye!”
It was the most judicial toast we’ve ever made.
Stay tuned tomorrow for the first edition of: Poems from Jr High: Pre-teen Angst Revisited. Where once a week I will delight you with my 7th 8th and 9th grade thoughts on the world.
Be Ye Warned,
Bob.
Listening to: My body hate me because I was up before 8 AM today. I’m not cut out for mornings.
On my mind: I bought 8 wine glasses at Crate and Barrel and carried them home on my bike. How’s THAT for talent. I need a car.
Remember when Fulmer and I got the idea last night around 10pm to go scavenge local stores in our neighborhood for moving boxes?
Remember how we got to 7-11 and found a HUGE bounty of boxes and how we then grabbed more than 5 apiece and schlepped them over 7 blocks home? Remember also how we had bought Chipotle Gardetto’s as a snack for our late night packing and so Fulms had to carry them in her mouth all the way back home cuz her hands were full of boxes?
Remember how in the middle of a crosswalk, Fulmer fumbled and dropped a few of the boxes just as the orange hand started flashing and how I panicked and the dramatist in me almost screamed “LEAVE THE BOXES, SAVE YOURSELF!! but in reality there wasn’t a car in sight for blocks.
Remember how halfway home we got so tired that we just started dragging the boxes and how we dragged them loudly past a couple who was making out on the street? How’s THAT for ambiance.
Remember how we had gone to the gym earlier that night for the first time in months so my arms were already sore from all the girl-push ups I did? Remember how in the home stretch (the alley behind our apt) there was a big church van going to fast and we had to drop our boxes and get out of the way?
Remember how when we got home with our treasure, we realized our packing tape was out?
Just a day.
in.
the life,
Bob.
Listening to: The new Imogen Heap album. SO so good.
On my mind: I like off-brand items because they cut right to the chase. Instead of Ritz Crackers, they say ’snack crackers’. I appreciate the honesty
Today, just to be zany, I poured my coffee into one of those ridiculously over-sized mugs that often double as soup bowls.
I don’t even know where we got it. But it’s black and large and the 1996 in me wanted to use it to be extra trendy a la “Friends” cast members when they drank coffee at Central Perk.
Remember?
Its way cooler to drink your coffee out of disproportionate mugs. It means you’re an artist. And you hold it in both hands while you sip your coffee and think deep thoughts about life. And stuff.
No?
Here’s proof: Look at Chandler’s mug in this pic.
He better drink that fast or it’ll get cold. It holds a lot of coffee. Like way more than you can drink while its still hot. But it looks cool. I swear.
Deep thoughts, Cold Coffee,
Bob.
Listening to: Rascal Flatts. That boy can siiiiing.
On my mind: I’m bringing ‘frenching’ back. Just you wait.
If ever there was a question about how odd I am, it is settled now.
I am a strange woman.
I say this because I finally started packing up my things for the big move next weekend and if someone judged me by my belongings, I’d be alone forever.
For example, you know how in “Dating in the Dark” the contestants get to rummage through the opposite sex’s luggage or purses or wallets to get a better idea of what they’re like? Yeah, if that was me, I’d be toast. The guys would be like, “Well, this chick has a half eaten snickers bar in the bottom of her purse next to a fake mustache. And there’s pesos in here for some reason too. And what the…is that a pocket watch?”
So, in an effort to simplify my life, I’ve been trying to get rid of things that I no longer need. Because I’ve realized that I’m kind of a pack rat. And I’m not positive but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be any kind of rat if I can avoid it.
So ANYWAY. Here are a few things I found whilst rumaging through my things. This is proof that even Horatio couldn’t deny:
- 2 of my old flip cell phones. And my pager from middle school.
- My certificate of adoption for the Puffin that John adopted for me 2 years ago. Her name is EN-53. She lives on Egg Rock Island. She is 28. I recall asking him at the time if he got a discount cuz she was so old.
- A bowling shirt that says “The Griswold’s” on the back and “Ruby” on the breast pocket.
- A pair of stuffed animal arctic seals. That my ex boyfriend got me 3 years ago from the Shedd Aquairium. And that I named Ruth and Boaz.
- A framed senior picture of me giving Emma a piggyback ride. It was a good idea at the time.
- A plethera of mixed CDs from high school that all have names like “Mix it Up”, “El Mixo” and “Chex Mix”. Apparantly I did not want to forget that they were in fact MIX cds. Phew.
- A “Gone with the Wind” poster of Rhett and Scarlett
- A book of poems I wrote in Jr. High. Topics covered include: racism, dating, judgement day, teen pregnancy and generation X.
- A teenage mutant ninja turtles ‘happy birthday’ sign
- Several wallet sized singlets of the cast of “Arrested Development”
- A small Chinese parasol
Unfortunately that’s just the tip of the eccentric iceburg.
Ummm can we still be friends?
With arms wide open,
Bob.
Listening to:P Diddy’s AWFUL performance on CSI:Miami. I mean really awful. I was also surprised he didn’t negotiate some Ciroq product placement.
On my mind:Emma and I once got a ride in a 197os white stretch limo posing as a cab. We were going to Panera. He only charged us $5. It was Emmas first limo ride. I told her that having this as her first limo ride was like having her first slow dance in a 7-11. We lead luxurious livez.
These are things that happened to me today:
-Found rice crispy treat in my sock drawer
-Listened to “Party in the USA” 3 times in a row
-Put unknown milk-like substance in my coffee because my roommate finished my creamer. Milk-like substance created odd texture in my coffee. I didn’t stop drinking it until about halfway through.
-Heard my favorite line ever on “Real Housewives”: “I’m a grown a*% woman”
-Sang Regina Spektor loudly whilst biking to work even though people stared
-Caught myself saying ”Uh-oh” out loud when I saw an ugly person. Not nice, Lyndsay, not nice!
-Tried to say “sorry I’m not sorry” as much as possible. Cuz I am sorry. That I’m not sorry.
-Boss put Taylor Swift “Love Song” on the jukebox and then tried denying it.
-My 30 second “work crush” told me tonight was his last night because “school starts” again next week and he’d “see me next summer”. Holy cow am I a predator? He means college….RIGHT?
-Got glass of ice water just so i could chew the ice later
-Had something in my contact lens and when the cashier at Bourgeois Pig looked up at me to ask me a question it looked like I was awkwardly winking at him. I made it worse when I informed him that I had something in my eye and sorry for awkwardly winking at him. I am sometimes shocked that I’m allowed out in public.
Jeeeeealllouuuus?
Bob.
Listening to: Text from my friend Annie telling me I put “Drama Cubs” instead of “Drama Clubs” in my list from yesterday. I informed her that I did in fact think that theatrical baby bears are hilarious.
On my mind: Wow. I just typed “on my own” instead of on my mind. Damn you, Freud.
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America’s Funniest Home videos has inspired me to create a list of things that we all think are funny no matter how un-funny they actually are.
Heck, if babies falling asleep in their spaghetti and grandpa’s riding bicycles gets America laughing, anything will.
This is that list.
- Giving someone bunny ears in a picture
- Pretending to give someone a high five and pulling your hand away at the last minute
- Putting both hands in a “W” and using your mouth as an “O” to spell “WOW”
- Reversing your hands into “M’s” and spelling “MOM”
- “That’s what she said”
- Writing “Wash me” on the back of a dirty mini van
- Little kids falling
- Anyone falling
- Accidentally switching the first consonants of two words. Like “Drapless Stress” instead of “Strapless Dress”
- When your friend has something in their teeth
- Drama Cubs
- Listening to someone record their own voicemail message
- Watching how guys sing all the words to “Since You’ve Been Gone” when it plays at a bar.
- Road Rage. When its not you.
- Flirting
- When someone is talking on their Bluetooth but you cant see the Bluetooth so you think, “There goes another looney”
- “Missed Connections” on Craig’s List
- People forming a train when “Come on Ride the Train” comes on at weddings
- Shadow puppets
- Parents on facebook
- Saying “shmear” instead of cream cheese
- Changing your Facebook status to be “in a relationship” with a friend of the same sex
- Fake mustaches
- Pies in people’s faces
- Dunk tanks
- PCs
There’s tons more–add to it!
Tweet THIS,
Bob.
Listening to:My ipod shuffle from a Kings of Leon song to a John Piper podcast where he is in the midst of saying “…they plotted to KILL him”. I’m so diverse.
On my mind: I really want to be the girl that makes homemade cookies for book club. I’m more like the girl that remembers to bring wine to book club. Hrmf.
I went to get all of my vaccinations for Kenya yesterday. A sexy way to spend my morning if you ask me.
Things started off normal: general physical, africa debriefing, prescription instructions etc.
But by the time I was ushered into the vaccination room, things got real fishy, real fast.
The scene before me was this: Two nurses were tag teaming this little immunization operation, but it may as well have been Abbot and Costello. Or 2 of the 3 stooges. Or Steven and Stephawn Erkel.One was fishing the shots out of the cooler, while the other was hollering about the vaccination instruction sheets laid out haphazardly on the counter. They were debating openly and unashamedly about which shots can go in which arm, and which shouldn’t be mixed.
“No no no. Yellow Fever can’t be mixed with Tetanus.”
“Are you sure? I thought Typhoid was the tricky one”
“Dang, we need a cheat sheet”
“You got a highlighter?”
I sat there, in horrified silence while they cackled back and forth about what they would soon be injecting INTO MY VEINS.
SO THAT I WOULDNT GET A DEADLY DISEASE.
IN AFRICA.
Dear, nurses, this is what you’ve trained for, yes? If I get malaria I’m seriously pressing charges.
Finally they figured it out and gave me 2 on my left arm and 2 on my right. One of em even smiled as I yelled “I’m so brave!” after the first round. I have a knack for subtlety.
When all was said and done, I left the office with 4 band aids, 3 prescriptions, a healthy dose of fear, and an immunity to yellow fever.
I hope.
This story can only end with some positive pessimism:
My shots may have been mishandled, but at least my travel insurance covers shipping my body back if I die.
Polio Shot with Salt and a Lime,
Bob.
Listening to: “Cosmic Love” by Florence and the Machine–my new fav band whom I always call “Florence and the Hendersons” in my head.
On my mind: A guy my roommate dated once sent her a text saying “Hey yo baby yo, what it is?” It took us a half hour to decode.
Peeps peeps PEEPS.
My most humbly sincerest, truly madly deeply apologies for the summer drought of Bob.
I tip my hat to you and your perseverance and sense of survival through this season.
You have shown true American spirit and I tip my hat to you.
But with that being said, you have suffered enough. Bob is back.
Party in the USA,
Bob.
Listening to: The nurses at the doctor’s office arguing on how to administer my shots for Kenya. Amateur Hour alert. Dr. Quinn would be outraged.
On my mind: I get freaked by the new coins where the president is looking directly at me instead of showing his profile. Its intrusive if you ask me.
Have you guys heard of this book called “Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals” ?
Its half horrible half hilarious. For example:
See? With a simple photo manipulation, this bad news becomes totally palatable.
In thinking of my life lately, and the bad news Ive received or the news I fear hearing the most, I realize if the following bits of information could simply be delivered with an adorable backdrop, they transform into completely manageable tidbits. In fact, borderline good news. Enjoy:
You've gained 5 lbs.
The cookie dough is gone
You may be single for the rest of your life
McDonalds is closed
Your student loan is due
See? A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.
Delightfully yours,
Bob.
Listening to: Tori and Dean marathon. I prob need to marry someone like Dean. Cuz he lets Tori be zany and he does what she says. But if that makes me Tori in this scenario I might wanna re-think it.
On my mind: Bananas and peanut butter makes a good snack.
They ride their bikes!
I am sure many of you have seen this hilarious section of Us Weekly where they show pictures of celebs doing “normal” things. My new favs this week include “They’re shocked by cold water!”, “Their kids like to help!” and last but most certainly not least, “They smell soap!”.
Well, I have been through some low moments over this past year as I have abandoned my 9-5 in pursuit of a new life as a writer and I’d really like it if Us Weekly could include some pictures of celebrities in the following scenerios in their next edition. This would really prove to me that Stars are just like me.
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They fall asleep holding a bag of Tostitos!
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They watch Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List!
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They are late on their credit card payment!
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They go to Coinstar!
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They write the copy for a new ham product!
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They work on a column in their underwear!
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They lower their standards!
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They eat their roommate’s food!
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Their parents send them money!
Thank you and goodnight,
Bob
Listening to: The host of ‘Dating in the Dark’ say “Wassup!!”
On my mind: What exactly would I do for a klondike bar?
